When the romance is gone

Exploring relationships based on more than an avocado

By Jennifer Gerenraich

A friend of mine once dated a man on the premise that they both liked avocados. For the first three months they couldn’t get enough of each other. She loved sharing her avocados with him, and the sex was great. It didn’t seem to bother her that he chewed like a cow, snorted when he laughed or that he always walked through every door first and didn’t hold it for her. Aside from avocados, the only thing they had in common was their intense infatuation for one another. She was in the “love zone.”

Can you ever remember saying to yourself, “How did I ever go out with that person? Was I on drugs?” Well, it’s kind of true.

Studies have shown that there is an actual biology to falling “madly in love.” Your body releases its own drugs called endorphins that keep you on a natural high. It begins with a rush of neurochemicals within the brain that inhibit one’s ability to think clearly. Dopamine and norepinephrine are the main two ingredients that make up the “lover’s martini,” better known as the rush to the brain that causes those sleepless nights, sweaty palms and butterflies in your stomach.

Dr. Helen Fisher, a renowned anthropologist at Rutgers University, has been at the forefront for research on love and society. In her book, “Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love,” Dr. Fisher explains the different stages of love, how long these stages typically last and the chemical reactions that occur in each.

The first stage is simply lust and pure attraction. It is instantaneous and comes and goes with anyone you are attracted to. The second stage is the passionate and romantic stage, which can last anywhere from six to 36 months. This is when you fall in love and get married. The third is the attachment stage, which offers comfort and security, with more snuggling than “hot” sex.

We have all experienced the lust phase, where we have an instant physical attraction for someone. How many times have you dated someone just because they were attractive? The physical aspect can be enjoyable, but most of us come to a point where we need more. So you meet someone who you think you are compatible with, fall in love and get married. A few years later, you ask yourself what happened to all the great sex on the kitchen floor? When the passion and romance have left the bedroom, what happens then?

Since dopamine is the main chemical associated with the initial phases involved with crazy love, how do we increase it? Men will love one of the answers: lots of sex. Sex increases dopamine levels, and with orgasm, you have a flood of wonderful chemicals to the brain. These include oxytocin and vasopressin, both of which are crucial in forming attachment with your partner.

One could be driven to the conclusion that the more sex you have with your partner, the happier and healthier your relationship will be; to mention that a man’s seminal fluid has been shown to act as an antidepressant for women.

I was fortunate to have the opportunity to interview Dr. Fisher recently. I asked what she thought was the key to a long-lasting relationship. Aside from having lots of sex, (for chemical reasons of course), the most important thing was picking the right partner. And how does one do that? She explains that if we pick a person who has personality traits that complement our own, then we have a good chance of keeping a spark alive and maintaining a healthy, long-term relationship. In her previous findings, Dr. Fisher discovered that people tend to be drawn toward someone who chemically complements them. The personality traits we gravitate toward are chemically driven by dopamine, serotonin, estrogen and testosterone. A person who is spontaneous and energetic may be attracted to someone calm and conventional.

Dr. Fisher went on to point out that as long as we continue to try new and exciting things in our relationships, we can sustain the feelings of romantic love by increasing our dopamine levels. Vacations, date nights and any change in a normal routine can spice up relationships and get you and your partner feeling giddy again.

Dr. Fisher has teamed up with Match.com to create a new relationship site called www.Chemistry.com, where she serves as the Chief Scientific Advisor. So if you have not found your mate yet, check out the site and see for yourself. It may just cause you to look at someone for more than just their hot body and the fact that they like avocados.

Click here for more Features