An Amsterdam good time

Three nights in Europe’s Sin City

Travel Location: Amsterdam, Holland
Traveler: Paul M. Banks

Where you stayed: Tulip Inn City Center, adjacent to Leidesplein, a main public square featuring restaurants, bars and “Boom Chicago.”

The people, the culture: Take the vice elements of New Orleans and multiply it to the fifth power. If Vegas is cocaine, then this is crack. To quote a young American woman, “I’m the biggest goody-goody there is, and even I have tried marijuana. And yes, I did inhale… only once.” American tourists often consume chocolate bars made with hemp seeds and other marijuana-laced pastries, yet still call all these foodstuffs “pot brownies.” Space cake looks like a poppy seed muffin and comes with an advisory label reading “DO NOT PANIC!” The “coffee bars” are filled with reggae and dialogue similar to Stewie and Brian’s conversation in an Amsterdam coffee shop on “The Family Guy.”(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9h_362eVN4) If Marijuana is the “gateway drug,” hallucinogenic mushrooms would be the front lawn and cocaine the inside of the house. Magic mushrooms are sold in what are called “smart shops.” And (like the weed for sale in coffee shops) an in-depth menu describes each item’s potency and how it could affect you (visuals, happy feelings, etc.). Examples include: Wild Lettuce — gives opium high 4, 50 Euro. Passion Flower — stimulates the mushroom trip 3, 50. These facts are reported strictly for journalistic accuracy, not as endorsement for consumption.

All over Europe, locals were enthralled by my Chicago White Sox Visa card. Sox merchandise is extremely popular there. Also, you won’t miss American music in Europe, as the Pussy Cat Dolls (a.k.a. this decade’s answer to the Spice Girls) are ubiquitous. In fact, you may increase your pop music IQ because most hotels feature music video channels that actually play videos. What an exotic foreign land this is!

Activities of note: The Rijksmuseum and Vincent Van Gogh gallery on scenic Museumplein. With the exception of Rembrandt (his home with additional viewable paintings is in another part of the city), Johannes Vermeer is the star of the Rijksmuseum. It’s fitting that the world’s best collection of Vermeers resides across the street from the most extensive Van Gogh collection; both artists’ popularity and painting value increased exponentially because of a film with a major star. For the former, it was 2003’s “Girl with a Pearl Earring” with Scarlett Johansson. For the latter, it was 1956’s “Lust for Life” starring Kirk Douglas.

The Anne Frank house draws crowds, and touring the Secret Annex and crawling through the bookcase/stairwell is a must. I viewed the diary during the day and watched the video blog of Anne Frank at a Boom Chicago show entitled “Me, My Space and Ipod” at night (American improv comedy performed in English).

Like some degenerate north star, I located the Red Light District on the other side of a building with a rooftop red light reading “Forbidden.” The Hemp Museum and Cannabis College (I’m not joking about this) are located nearby. There is something surreal about a lingerie-clad prostitute standing in a red store window trying to obtain 50 Euro from you. Another’s written/oral description can’t come close to painting an authentic picture of this experience. If your glance exceeds a half-second, they will proposition you. Even though all “purchases” require using a condom, some seven percent of these regularly screened working girls are supposedly HIV-positive. To avoid persistent hard-selling, it’s best to blend in with a group of British soccer hooligans who often peruse the area.

Between brothels, you’ll find sex shops with crotchless panty catalogs picturing actual models. However, the “Red Light Special” is a product I had previously only read about in books (one book actually: Ariel Levy’s “Female Chauvinist Pigs,” a must-read critique of sex commodification and how the dominant but distorted consumerist vision of sexuality destroys feminism). For 350 Euro, one can purchase a replica of porn star and best-selling author Jenna Jameson’s uh… um… you know. The black market for narcotics is bustling here as “Charley Boys” peddle all the illegal hard drugs. During a typical half-hour stroll, you will get offered cocaine, ecstasy and heroin at least a dozen times.

What makes you want to go back: Venicesque canals and bridges, which must be especially scenic in the summer. I’d also take a train ride to The Hague and see Vermeer’s “Girl with a Pearl Earring.” The novelty of excessive vice elements will appeal to any small-town Midwesterner with a conservative, religious upbringing, but for those politically opposed to prostitution and illegal drugs, the Red Light District can irritate quickly. Both the hookers and the pushers pursue more aggressively than the “Glengarry Glen Ross” real estate salesmen.

The Costs: It may be a hippy haven, but only a capitalistic fat cat would love these prices. Most hotels run well over 110 Euro. “Going Dutch” for meals means chipping in your 20 Euros each time. When it comes time to pay the bill, the waiter will be nowhere around; you must seek him/her out.

What you’d do differently: Be more “socially liberal.” Nah, I probably got wild enough during this visit. I warn the reader that some of the drugs for sale are sometimes laced with LSD and other unexpected substances. I witnessed a couple of paranoid people fearing for their lives. I’d also practice my navigational skills. With a confusing tram system, poorly marked avenues and having to look not both ways, but about eight different ways before crossing the street, it’s easy to lose your way. Busy bike paths dominate. To quote the green activist band Guster, from their hit song named after the city: “Are you getting somewhere, or did you get lost in Amsterdam?”

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