Writer’s block

I’m no Jim Belushi

Can the modern man be stylish, sophisticated and in touch with a woman’s needs and not be called out by his friends for it?

By Jeremy Schnitker

As much as I hate to admit it, Karin, the first three graphs of the story you wrote last month in this very spot (http://www.therealchicago.org/0112writers.htm) describing men were generally correct. Usually, such sweeping generalizations (especially ones about my own gender) send me into an indignant uproar, but as I read you statement that “Amazingly, guys really don’t seem to talk much about any of the interesting and useful stuff that make up their lives,” I can’t help but agree with you for the most part. I’ve sat through many of these “conversations” with my buddies.

I feel your pain.

The reason I’m not flying off the lid about your stereotyping is because if my time living in Lincoln Park has taught me anything about the rituals of its male inhabitants, it’s that maybe your description isn’t even a stereotype at all. Merely a harsh reality. In about 300 words, you described what I imagine 90 percent of the dudes I pass on Fullerton every day on the way to work are like.

These are the same guys I see at many of North Side’s vaguely Irish pubs, staring at meaningless sporting events, almost going out of their way to avoid having anything resembling an absorbing conversation. I see them gawking at the asses of vapid women who will most likely never give them the time of day. I hear them refer to their buddies as “gay” simply because they may be wearing a pair of trendy jeans or (gasp) a scarf.

And I hate blaming social behavior on media influence about as much as I hate using stereotypes, but the fact that so many men are like this has a lot to do with the current state of beer commercials and the television sitcom mentality. Honestly, in what just and fair society does an average Joe character like Kevin James’ in “The King of Queens” marry a gorgeous woman like Leah Remini? Or Jim Belushi being married to former “Melrose Place” star Courtney Thorne-Smith, as he is in “According to Jim?”

Are these the types of chubby nincompoops that beautiful women are expected to be with?

OK, so you’re thinking, “Where is he going with this?” Here’s where I’m going: In our society, too many men are rewarded for being fat, boring, predictable and not sensitive in the least bit to a woman’s needs or desires. It starts on TV and seeps its way into the behavior of men who do nothing but watch TV.

But wait! There are exceptions out there. Guys (yes, heterosexual ones) who would rather enjoy a glass of pinot and jazz at a wine bar than catch some random game at an obnoxious sports bar. That give each other style advice during H&M visits. That have no problems discussing issues about the females in their lives that go deeper than just asking “So, did you sleep with that girl last night or what?”

A guys’ night/day out can be sophisticated, too. For instance, just last weekend, my roommate and I did some window shopping in Wicker Park, hit the Chicago History Museum and saw “Children of Men” at the Davis Theater. Usually when I have guy friends in town, we’ll hit the stores on Michigan Ave. Perhaps grab some Thai or Tapas and maybe slam back a couple pitchers of sangria. I know guys out there who actually enjoy theater and classic movies at the Gene Siskel Film Center. You might even find a single guy perusing the Museum of Contemporary Art or the Art Institute.

Us guys also empathize with each other over bad haircuts, or the fact that the Aldo retail store has oodles of stylish boots for women but only one god-awful pair for us dudes. (And have you seen how small the men’s apparel section is places like Urban Outfitters, H&M and American Apparel are compared to the women’s? It’s simply not fair!)

But you know what the problem is? You know why more guys can’t or don’t want to come out of their beer commercial-induced shells? Because I’m not sure most women would appreciate or know now to handle themselves around them if they did. Any man who’s ever tried to run that routine can attest to this.

Just imagine if a guy were at a bar and started a conversation with a girl about how frustrated he was that his American Apparel purchases always seem to fall apart after a half-dozen washes? Or if he started talking about how much he misses “Sex and the City?”

Would she be at all attracted to this? Would the exposure of his feminine side scare her away? Would she lean to her friends and whisper, “Is this guy gay?”

I’ve got troves of anecdotal evidence that proves they would.

My theory is that many women these days are conditioned to be attracted to the classic male template that suggests guys aren’t supposed to be avant or sensitive. Those of us who are seem to be left in the dust, or at least more sexually frustrated than we probably should be.

Again, look at the culture.

Somewhere during the 1990s, we experienced a female attraction paradigm shift in which things turned back to the pre-John Hughes/”Revenge of the Nerds” era, and the majority of women aren’t looking for Lloyd Dobler anymore. I’m afraid they’re back on a Roy Stalin kick (he’s the blonde, high-cheekboned dickhead from another John Cusack film, “Better off Dead.”)

Let’s put it this way, I’m baffled to the point of exasperation when I see an attractive girl wearing a trendy pair of form-fitting jeans tucked into stiletto boots with a cute pea coat topped off with a dazzling scarf and solid hat choice walking hand in hand with a guy in tennis shoes, baggy cargo pants, a fleece sweater and backwards ball cap.

Every time I see this, I wonder to myself how a woman who puts so much into her appearance dates a guy who hasn’t matured enough to realize that backwards hats are not acceptable anymore. Why does she — when there are guys out there who know such things and have outgrown the backwards ball cap phase of their lives — still choose to date the guy who hasn’t?

It’s baffling. But while I’ve admittedly gone off on a tangent, I’ll bring it all back by asking you, Karin, if you’d like to join me for a progressive guys’ night out on the town. Now, before the hubby gets pissed, this is not a date, just a Sensible Guy Sampler, if you will.

We could go eat some sushi. Order a couple bottles of Syrah. Gush in mutual adoration over Justin Timberlake’s diverse talents. Complain in depth about the frustrations the opposite sex can cause us.

You can bitch about how much you hate watching constant re-runs of SportsCenter, and I’ll nod my head empathetically.

Sound like fun? Think about it.

I can’t promise any trips to a martini-and-manicure night, though. I’ve been in a bar during one of those, and as much as you’d think a guy would dig being one of just two men in a joint full of enraptured women (and the potent scent of Acetone), it’s actually quite an unsettling experience.

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