Dating hiatus and other Godly tricks

A candid self interview with a Chicago-based comedian about his debut book “God is a Woman: Dating Disasters”

By Ian Coburn

“Just so you know, I’m on a dating hiatus,” she said.

“Oh, okay.”

We walked a little further. I made a pass at her. She pulled away. “What are you doing?”

“If I have to explain, I guess I’m not doing a good job,” I said. “I’ll try again.”

“No, I know what you’re doing, I just mean I told you I was on a dating hiatus,” she said.

“Yeah, well, I’ve got a pardon,” I answered.

I made another move, and she reciprocated. A week later, we were officially dating.

If you’re like me, just your average guy trying to navigate the maze of roads that make up the dating and sexual highway, you’ve heard them all, too: the ridiculous statements women utter. They start back in college.

“I’m taking too many classes this semester to date.” A week later she gets engaged to some guy she meets the next night at a party.

“I’m just really focused on my career right now.” A week later, she gets engaged to some guy she meets the next night at a business event.

What the hell is going on? More importantly, how did I end up dating the girl who said she was on a dating hiatus?

Well, I filled an entire book with the blunders and mistakes I made early on in dating and sex, which resulted in hilariously disastrous events. These experiences, while extremely entertaining, also served to arm me with a plethora of knowledge, which I have used successfully for years now to date and get laid. When The Real Chicago invited me to sit down and discuss the book, I jumped at the chance, knowing it would be candid and honest, not just a lot of hype to sell shampoo advertised on the next page or something.

Actual excerpts from the book are in italics.

So how did I get the girl on the dating hiatus?
I used the shampoo on the next page… Actions speak louder than words. She said this to me while WE WERE ON A DATE! Clearly, she was not on a dating hiatus. So, I acknowledged what she said, then ignored it by making a move.

Men tend to rank the book four out of five stars. They remark that it is hilarious and full of great advice, but that women probably wouldn’t like it. Women tend to rank it a perfect five stars while they say it is sometimes piggish and offensive to them. What gives, you ask?
This just goes to show you how clueless men are about women. While women find it sometimes offensive, they appreciate its honesty and wit. I get graphic in a few places in the book, which is where men feel women might not like it. Women are far more graphic than men when it comes to dating and sex. Most men don’t realize that. Ever hear of a guy throwing a sex toy party?

You want me to explain the title, don’t you?
Every good stand-up routine has a point of focus, called a “bit.” The bit here is that God is a woman, and she’s screwing everyone over when it comes to dating and sex; it’s how She gets her kicks. People are always mumbling, “God, why’s it so hard to meet someone?” or, “God, I was so close.” (That one used to be my slogan.) So, people relate to the bit, which reoccurs throughout the book.

If God were a man, nothing would ever change. There would be only one season —summer — and no one would ever die. Think about it. When are men most comfortable? Wearing a twenty-year-old-ripped fraternity sweatshirt while sitting in a ragged recliner they bought back in college. Women are the ones always changing things. They get bored. Death and seasons are God’s way of redecorating.

So is it an advice book or a stand-up routine?
It’s actually classified as “Humor,” which is where you’ll find it in the bookstore. That’s the great thing about it. Any adult can read it and laugh their ass off at my funny predicaments. Those who choose can also heed the solid advice.

I suppose you want to hear some of that solid advice.
Get a pretty woman’s number? Call her for dates, only to get the run-around from her time and time again?

“Oh, I’m not sure what’s going on this weekend, yet.”

“I’m not sure, yet; I’ll get back to you.”

Does she still keep in touch, though, and return calls or e-mails every now and then? Frustrating, isn’t it? What’s a guy to do? Tell her when and what the date is going to be but ask her to choose the place. It works; I’ve done it many times. One time I met a pretty woman on the beach. We started swapping e-mails, and I decided I wanted to get to know her better. I called her up and asked her out. (Always ask a woman out for the first date in person or over the phone. It’s fine to use e-mail to make arrangements, but not to ask her out.) She was busy and didn’t know when she would be free. I went through this a few times; I would ask her out, she would give me the run-around. She kept returning my calls and e-mails, though, so she was interested in me in some capacity. One day I sent an e-mail just asking her what she was up to for the week. “Not sure, yet, how about you?” I replied, “Well, Thursday I’m having dinner with you, 8 p.m. Where are we going?” Her reply? “Wow, you really blew me away with that. Okay.” Telling her we were going out worked. She simply needed that little nudge. She’s an attractive woman and probably gets asked out a lot. I needed to separate myself from the pack. Plus, it was bold.

Excuse me, I have to send an email... So you’re wondering if all the advice is for guys.
Nope.

I have a lot of women friends. Many of them complain that guys don’t approach them, whether they’re at a bar, sporting event, party, or so forth. Contrary to popular opinion, when we guys are “on the prowl,” we’re not looking for pretty women with great bodies; we’re looking for approachable women. When a woman catches a guy’s eye, he watches her for a moment before deciding whether to approach. Is she smiling? Laughing? Does she look like she’s having a good time? Is she drinking? Are her arms crossed? Is she arguing or debating with anyone? The guy is trying to determine if she’s approachable.

This passage continues on in more detail, but you get the gist; it’s for women.

Why did I write this book?
It was a slow summer… So many things happen in life that you want to talk about, because they’re hilarious, but they don’t translate well on stage. A book offered another medium where I could tackle my funny dating and sexual misadventures. At the same time, I realized that a lot of people could use good dating and sex advice. Many people are just clueless and have absolutely no direction. To make matters worse, the advice in self-help books is separated. There’s a bunch of books on sex, a handful of dating guides for men and tons of dating guides for women. What good is being a sex expert if you can’t talk to a woman? How can things possibly work out when a book for guys contradicts everything a book for women claims? Don’t all these things have to come together to achieve results? There needed to be a book that combined these topics, so I wrote it. And there’s no rule that says that book has to be boring and flat, like most self-help books, so I made it funny. I’m glad it’s in the humor section, that way guys can read it without feeling like they are reading a self-help book. (Guys don’t read self-help dating books, typically.)

What’s the best piece of dating advice I’ve ever received?
Every woman has sex. By far the best advice I ever heard. It’s so simple, so true, yet it was like someone turned on a light. That’s why nice guys finish last. They fail to realize this, instead putting women they like on pedestals. I talk about this in detail in “God is a Woman: Dating Disasters.”

Is it really funny, you ask?
How can it not be? With stories of women trying to run me over with their cars, hiding from me in bathrooms, trying to get me arrested, using a rubber band to make the only condom available fit, getting kicked off the miniature golf course at the Mall of America for certain things, carrying women out of bars over my shoulders, having sex in my mom’s car while I was supposed to be bringing Drew Carey off stage and using her favorite scarf to… well, you’re just going to have to read the book.

Where can you get it?
It officially debuts on Valentine’s Day. You can get it in any bookstore or any online book carrier. We encourage you to get it off the book’s Website, www.godisawoman.net, where it’s cheaper, and part of the proceeds are donated to mentally ill children. Enter the coupon code “two” to get it for $12.95 instead of $16.95 from now until March 1.For more information, excerpts, Ian’s blog, comedy clips, TV interviews and so forth, log on to www.godisawoman.net.

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