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Better single than sorry

Chicago’s own Jen Schefft, best known for stints on ‘The Bachelor’ and ‘The Bachelorette,’ talks relationships, how Chicago men rank and a hatred of Valentine’s Day

By Kathryn Doi

Chicago’s Jen Schefft, reality TV star of “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette,” is certainly no relationship guru. She’s broken off one engagement with “The Bachelor,” Andrew Firestone, and turned down two subsequent marriage proposals on “The Bachelorette,” all on primetime television. Now promoting a new book entitled “Better Single Than Sorry — A No-Regrets Guide to Loving Yourself and Never Settling,” Jen purports to be echoing the sentiments of most 30ish urban single women. But with chapters like “Tell Mom — and Everyone Else — to %$#* Off,” or “You Know When You Know — What the Hell Does That Mean?” and “Get Over It,” one can’t help but wonder — are all singletons these days seemingly this bitter, or is she really on to something?

The Real Chicago sat down with Jen to discuss her true feelings about her single status, the ultimate deal breakers, how Chicago men rank and whether she is hopeful (or jaded) about her future and finding true love.

Q: Do you think the end is near for shows like “The Bachelorette?” Are people still buying into this contrived formula to find “The One?”
A: I don’t know if people are really buying into it anymore, but people still enjoy reality shows. I don’t think that’s going to change, and I don’t think people are watching them anymore for the happy ending. I think they’re still watching them now because they still love the show and because they’re fun to watch, but I don’t think they put any stock into the fact that they’re going to work out anymore.

Q: They were looking for you to essentially fulfill a fairy tale for them, it seems.
A: Exactly — they are looking for these shows to fulfill their fairy tale, what they wish for themselves. What they have to remember is that reality TV is anything but real. I think people are finally catching on to that.

Q: When you didn’t accept Jerry’s proposal at the end of “The Bachelorette,” my girlfriends and I all thought, “Bravo! Good for her.” If it’s not the right guy, why just go through with it just for the sake of TV?
A: Exactly. I think a lot of people felt that way, but then a lot of people thought it was crazy, and so of course I was only focusing on the negatives, the negative voices, instead of focusing on the people that were actually (on my side).

Q: What was the worst reaction that you got?
A: People wrote letters to my parents. They found my home address and sent letters to my parents, telling them that I was crazy and that I was selfish, and that I was never going to be happy. I mean, it’s one thing to be vocal about it, to write (to me) on my own blog, but to actually find my parents’ address…

Q: What was the moment for you, or what triggered your shift in thinking about your singlehood in the way you describe in the book?
A: I’ve always sort of felt like that, but ultimately, as soon as I was done filming “The Bachelorette,” people were just so angry at me that I thought, “Well, that’s not fair,” you know? It took me awhile to realize OK, well, I have to take the right position because what everybody’s telling me is that I’ve done something wrong. It’s easy to believe them and let that affect you. So I think it took me a long time to realize I did the right thing, I’m happy with my decision, and now I’m not going to let anyone else influence what I think or how I feel. I’m also 30 years old and still single — it’s a good time in my life. I have a great job and great friends, and I’m happy with my life now.

Q: Do you think there is a shelf life for a woman on being single?
A: Well, obviously there is a shelf life, and there’s no getting around the fact that after a certain age, it’s harder to get pregnant, especially after 35. But women still do have children at a later age. For me, I feel that I want to be a mother, but luckily as a woman, I can have a child without a man. Not that men are unnecessary or obsolete — a lot of people ask me if I feel that way. But I just think that if I’m 38 or 40 and still haven’t met the right person, and if I can’t get pregnant, I would definitely adopt. There are lots of options, basically. You don’t have to bring a child into the world with someone who you don’t love and who doesn’t love you. Everyone follows a different path. You just have to figure out what works for you and, ultimately, you have to figure out what’s going to make you happy — and sometimes that isn’t with a man. I want to get married and I want to have kids and all that, but not at the expense of my happiness.

Q: Do you find that men are more intimidated these days by women who feel this way? It seems like there are a lot of women out there who have the attitude “I’d rather be single than be with…you.”
A: I think that a lot of men are threatened by it, and a lot of men still feel like they want to provide. I don’t know — people ask me this question a lot, and it’s a hard question to answer because I don’t know how men think. Men just have to step up now, because women have worked on themselves, and I think a lot of men have too, but I think it does intimidate a lot of men when a woman is more successful than them. That’s unfortunate, and I wish men didn’t think that way, but right now that’s still the case.

Q: There are also people who would say that this “better single than sorry” attitude is selfish.
A: I’ve heard people say that too, and I don’t understand why it’s selfish. Why is taking care of yourself and making yourself happy, why is that selfish? You can’t change people’s point of view. You just have to know that what you’re doing is right for you. You can’t change other people’s opinions, but you can change how you react to it, how you let it affect you.

Q: Setting high standards is something a lot of people do, and as we get older, our standards rise considerably from what they were when we were, say, 24. What do you think the difference is between settling versus lowering unreasonably high expectations?
A: There is a certain amount of compromise when you enter a relationship. I don’t believe that’s settling because you can’t do everything your way. But there are things you shouldn’t settle for. You shouldn’t settle for a guy who treats you poorly, or for someone that doesn’t make you feel good about yourself. Those are standards that you should never compromise. If he likes to go to bed at 11, and you like to go at 8, maybe we can figure out we don’t have to go to bed at the same time. But those are compromises, and that’s different from settling for someone who you don’t really and truly love, and who doesn’t treat you well and doesn’t love you. That’s what settling is.

Q: In terms of your standards, what will you absolutely not compromise on? What are your deal breakers?
A: You can’t compromise on someone who doesn’t treat you with respect. There have been plenty of boyfriends that sometimes treat me with respect, but sometimes they don’t. And obviously there’s going to be arguments, and there’s going to be times when you’re mad at the other person, but ultimately I want to be with someone that does treat me with respect, that does put me first. And I want to know that I’m a priority. And just someone that I love and that loves me. There is always that intangible feeling, too, that I’m waiting for, and if I can’t find that feeling, well… people say “When you know, you know.” Those people that really know, they really know. And I’m just waiting to know.

Q: Do you ever think sometimes that “When you know, you know” might be an unrealistic ideal?
A: I’ve thought about that a lot. When I was writing the book, I met a lot of women who got married at 35, 40 years old who thought, “Maybe I’m alright (with the fact that) I won’t meet the right person,” but then this guy popped into their life, and they say “When you know, you know. I’m glad I waited.” So there are stories from a number of women who actually have waited and have found the right man. They inspire me. They give us all hope. They let us know that it’s OK not to settle.

Q: To be fair, don’t you agree that single men face the same struggles that single women do? I have guy friends who say that their standards are really high for what they want from a woman — not just in terms of appearance, but the whole package.
A: Right, they want a girl that’s smart and nice and cute and all those things. A girl that has some substance. And it’s not hard to meet people; it’s just hard to meet the right person. For you.

Q: You’ve traveled a lot around the country promoting your book and the show. How do you find Chicago men to be in comparison to men elsewhere in the U.S.?
A: I love Chicago. I’m a Midwestern girl, and I love Midwestern guys. I meet New York guys and I think they’re great, but you can just tell a difference between people from L.A., people from Chicago, people from New York. All very different types, but I’m certainly a Chicago girl, so I think I definitely need a nice Chicago guy, a nice Midwestern boy. I’m from Ohio, so I grew up in the Midwest, and that’s what I know.

Q: Do you think we tend to gravitate toward people who are most like ourselves?
A: I think we do. I think we gravitate towards people who complement us and towards people with a similar background. You know, when I dated Andrew Firestone, it was really strange to me because (I thought), how much common ground did we really have?

Q: You obviously have a lot of experience in letting people down whom you’re not interested in. What are the best ways to let someone down easily?
A: I think you really just have to be honest with the person, no matter how hard it is. I used to be the queen of not returning phone calls or just fading out, and now I realize I just have to give this person an answer. I mean, I tried the e-mail thing and they don’t respond to you, which is really disconcerting because you wonder “Did they get it? Are they mad at me?” Or I’ve started e-mail wars, where they freak out and scream and write me these long letters about why I’m such a jerk. So I think if you have a conversation and are honest with someone, it may suck, but it’s really the best option. It’s like pulling off the Band-Aid — you don’t really want to do it, but you feel so much better afterwards.

Q: Well, you had to do it in front of millions of people with Jerry (of “The Bachelorette”).
A: Oh, that was awful. That was so awful. But I had no other option.

Q: A lot of people swear by online dating. Have you ever tried it?
A: No, I haven’t, and the only reason I haven’t is because I have already been on two reality dating shows, so I think I’d be a laughingstock if I did the online dating thing. Guys would probably say, “Well, you can’t even meet a guy on TV, so now you’ve got to go online (laughs).”

Q: I read in your book that you hate Valentine’s Day. What would you suggest for single women to do on Valentine’s Day?
A: I do hate Valentine’s Day. I hate it even when I’m dating someone, because it’s always a disappointment. It’s like New Year’s — it never lives up to its hype. It’s just a made-up holiday. Last year I went out with a group of girls for drinks and dinner at Tilli’s (in Lincoln Park), and it was just a fun girls’ night. Other times, I’ve had girlfriends over and we’ve watched movies. Sometimes, if I don’t have girlfriends over or they’re not available to go out that night, I plan a massage or go after work to buy that purse I’ve had my eye on, just so I can do something that makes me happy on that day.

Q: What are some of your favorite places in Chicago to go with your girlfriends?
A: That’s such a hard question. I feel like I’m always going somewhere different. I live down the street from Japonais, so I go there all the time and I love it. I try to find new places. I haven’t been to Tilli’s in a while. Going out to dinner with my girlfriends — any sushi place, like SushiSamba, but also more low-key places. I just moved to River North, so before that I lived in Old Town and went out around there and Lincoln Park. Now that I’ve moved away from all that, I’m trying to figure out new places.

Q: Your book emphasizes having a good base of girlfriends. What would your advice be to single women who don’t have the opportunity to make many girlfriends due to work constraints or life changes?
A: If you don’t have (a friend base), then you have to start working on it, because girlfriends are just as important as having a man in your life. Maybe you need to get a pet, or if you can’t meet friends through work, maybe join a charity or a club or take a knitting or arts class — something where you can meet other women. I have friends that are in a knitting class and have made good friends. I would never take a knitting class because I’d be so bored!

Q: Hey, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it. It’s actually quite cathartic.
A: (Laughs) I would love to knit, I wish I could knit. I feel like I don’t have the patience to sit there and do it. My grandma used to try and teach me how to knit, and I couldn’t focus. So I don’t have anything against knitting. I just can’t do it.

Q: So, just to close things out … are you dating anyone?
A: I am not dating anyone right now. I am really, truly single.

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