Lunch is not a date ... The Q&A

Answers to your dating questions from author and comedian Ian Coburn

Comedian Ian Coburn, author of the successful “God is a Woman: Dating Disasters” (check out the reviews for yourself on Amazon and www.godisawoman.net) did an interview with The Real Chicago in our February issue, and we decided to invite him back for a regular dating advice column. Go ahead, ask your questions. Ian will answer both questions from The Real Chicago readers as well as a few from fans of his book who have been e-mailing him. Be warned ... he’s not your mom, and he’ll tell it like it is!

Q: My boyfriend is a penny pincher. I don’t need a lot of money to be spent on me, and I don’t have expensive tastes, but he is ridiculous. How do I explain to him that I would like him to splurge every now and then?
— Molly

A: Hmmmm. The kind of guy who splits a cup of Ramen noodles with you because he wants to save 78 cents by not opening a second cup, huh? Does he call you up to change plans last minute? “Honey, you know what? Instead of going to the opera tonight, I thought we could just relax on the couch and open up that second cup of Ramen noodles we’ve been saving. Sound good?” No doubt where you go each night is based on how much loose change he finds under the couch’s cushions each day. There are two solutions. One, you could throw a party. Invite only rich people who carry wallets hulking with cash. Make sure they all sit on the couch. Hopefully, a few of their wallets will slip down the cushions, and he’ll take you out the next night for a splendid date. The other solution is to lead by example. Take him out for a somewhat expensive date. Pay for everything. A day or two later, ask him if he had a good time. Explain that it feels good to be pampered every now and again and ask him to please keep that in mind. If he gets upset and asks if you think he’s cheap, stay calm and simply reply, “No, I think what I just said. That it feels good to be pampered every now and then, and that goes both ways.” Stick to that line, calmly.

Q: I met a girl at a bar Thursday. She eagerly gave me her number. I called her Saturday afternoon and left a short message including my cell number. I haven’t heard back from her. My buddies say, “That’s it, you can’t call her again or you will seem like a stalker.” But after reading your book, you point out that women’s dating-advice books instruct women not to return calls. So any advice you could offer would be greatly appreciated. 
— “God is a Woman” fan, Boston

A: Well, hopefully she hasn’t been reading women’s dating-advice books that give women that ridiculous advice. What will they tell women next? Only open the door if your date is holding a large knife? Since I got this e-mail on a Sunday, I’m going to say you haven’t given her enough time to return your call. Do you think she’s just sitting around, waiting for your call and will call you back immediately? Give her time. She didn’t just start living the day she met you and could be busy. Wait a week and a half to two weeks, then call her again. When I’ve waited that long, I’ve often had the woman call me back. In the future, don’t ask a woman for her number. Ask her for a date, something specific with a time element. Make it relative to the conversation. For example, if you talk some about hockey, say something like, “Hey, I think the Bruins are in town next week. Why don’t I check their schedule and we could go to a game?” Now you have to call by a certain day in order to get tickets. Chances are, she will change her mind about going, but you have a much better chance of her returning your call to tell you that. When you do talk, you can reconnect and make a simpler date. I’ve used this practice effectively many, many times. Who cares about getting a phone number? Getting a return call, that’s the real trick.

Q: I’m confused. Some women love it when I open doors for them and are a little surprised there’s a guy left with manners. Others almost take offense to it, like it’s an attack on womanhood. What’s a guy to do?
— David

A: That’s easy. When your date is over 60, hold the door for her. When she’s under 60, don’t. Just follow your date’s lead. She’ll show you what she wants. There are almost always two doors to every entrance. Beat her to the outside door and hold it open for her. If she pauses at the inside door, open that one, too. If she doesn’t pause but just opens and goes through the inside door, she’s tickled pink to open doors for herself; we all know how exciting that can be.

Q: I have a problem when my boyfriend stares at other women a little too long when we’re out together. I don’t care what he does when he’s out with the guys, but when he’s with me, shouldn’t his focus be directed at me?
— Jessica

A: Your boyfriend isn’t the problem; you’re the problem. If I was dating a woman who kept looking at other guys wantonly, even after I talked to her about it several times, I’d kick her to the curb. Your man has not only shown you disrespect by gawking at other women, but he’s also shown you disrespect — even more so — by ignoring your comments that it bothers you. This is a huge red flag that he doesn’t respect you and, even more important, you don’t respect yourself. Give him one last warning and then get rid of him. You’re only sinking your self esteem deeper and deeper by staying with him.

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