Writer’s block

Last call: Why beautiful and interesting Chicago women underachieve in dating

By Paul M. Banks

“A rather sad study is out today that (states) single women over the age of 35 are more likely to be shot by the vice president than get married,” comedian Jimmy Kimmel recently said on his talk show.

His joke was referencing an infamous quote published in Newsweek 20 years ago. A more recent Newsweek article stated that women over 35 have a 40 percent chance of getting married; much higher than the probability of being killed by a terrorist. (Coincidentally, the terrorist number was also much lower in 1986.) The sound you just heard was a collective a sigh of relief from single adult women.

Building upon this Newsweek study, I recently conducted an unscientific survey of my own. However, I do have a scientific-looking graph I can attach, if necessary, to visually display my findings.

I sought answers to the following questions: 1.) Is just getting hitched enough? And 2.) Do Chicago women underachieve in terms of with whom they tie the knot?

Surprisingly, many women I spoke to agreed that these were better questions to ask than the ones re-surveyed by Newsweek.

Erik B., a native New Yorker and Cubs fan (a rare combination), remarks: “I am really floored by the number of attractive, smart women I meet in Chicago, but they seem to punch below their weight in terms of the guys they are with.”

And here, in my mind, are the main reasons why...

Middle-American family values
“A lot of guys think we overrate ourselves early on, and then later we have to settle for the scrubs,” says Kristen, 27. “But we’re under pressures men can’t even imagine.”

This is Middle America, and a woman past 32 and alone is treated (at best) as an anomaly or a social pariah. Whether women realize it or not — partially thanks to the Disney empire — young girls are completely socialized into the standard dramatic arc at a very young age.

“I want to grow up and marry a prince too,” says seven-year-old Dakota, pointing at her Cinderella, Jasmine and Belle toys, purchased on a recent visit to the Michigan Avenue Disney store.

The loudest advocates of the “meet guy, marry guy, get house, have kids” agenda are not men, who understandably have nothing against women being single. “It’s our girlfriends,” says Andrea, a 29-year-old P.R. professional. “They want us to be happy, and that always starts with having a guy. It’s like we’re not supposed to have plans of our own sometimes.”

Women intent on growing and developing themselves must still handle the checkbox questions from friends and family: Did you meet someone yet? Is it serious? Did he pop the question? Are you expecting?

“Yeah ... and years later they’ll likely ask: ‘Are the papers finalized yet?’ ” says Andrea. The very possibility that many of these marriages might lead to severe incompatibility, unfaithfulness or divorce tends to be overlooked, despite those rates being very high. The divorce rate is currently north of 60 percent, and marital infidelity is almost 45 percent. Yet somehow these inconvenient truths have not reached the “Middle-minded” subset of Middle America in any serious way. Even though surviving the winter and circling the wagons are no longer concerns on the frontier today, the woman-as-breeder-first mentality still seems to be ingrained in our culture.

The Wonderlic test
Each year, the Wonderlic, an IQ style exam, is administered to thousands of applicants by hundreds of employers. The test is designed to reject both those who score too high and those who score too low. Why reject the high scorers? “It’s a way of reducing risk,” says an unnamed female professor from the Loyola Graduate School of Business. “Employers know that the high scorers are more likely to be non-conformists who might stray from the corporate-best practices, and the middle scorers are potentially model employees, great team players who will easily embrace the organization’s core competencies.”

Might something like this be true when it comes to dating choices? Is the standard script (the corporate job, the SUV, the 2.3 kids, the suburban dream) such an average that it requires an average guy to fill it? Non-conforming men need not apply. Forget what popular magazine polls claim women are attracted to; the female respondents usually put “sense of humor” and “intelligence” at the top of the list. Empirical evidence tells a different story.

Too smart? “I don’t really like brainy types,” says Nicole K., a schoolteacher in the Chicago Public schools. “It tells me you’re critical, and that you could sometimes be difficult. It reminds me of Rocky Point (park) at the University of Chicago; instead of swimming, you see all these pale-chested intellectuals reading books with furrowed brows. They just need to relax and have fun.”

Don’t be too fun, though, or at least don’t be too interesting in the ways you have fun. Humorous and creative guys are often reduced to friend-zone material. (The “friend zone,” a very authentic, but also well disguised form of rejection, is where most of these colorful guys end up.) Shannon, 32, of Bucktown, agrees. While she admires creativity and independence, she personally doesn’t want to end up supporting a starving artist: “Poverty is not attractive. And I don’t like a lot of these feminized guys our pop culture produces. I blame all those ’80s John Cusack movies where men were taught to give out 50 compliments and a large bouquet of flowers on the first date. Wake up, guys; that’s not what women want.”

Slippery slope to suburbia
It probably isn’t any wonder how many really attractive and interesting women you meet in Chicago with guys that are not in their league. Now, of course you can never judge by appearance alone, but let’s imagine a guy with early baldness, wearing a checkered button-down from Eddie Bauer, paddling after her subserviently with a “Honey, I’ll get the stroller out of the SUV.”

This guy seeks to embody the norm, not surpass it. He defines success in life by keeping up with everyone else and by having the same things. He’s kept up with who’s still competing on the current reality show juggernaut. He has the latest hits by Kelly Clarkson and the Black Eyed Peas downloaded to his IPod. When Friday night rolls around, he can’t wait to see this month’s blockbuster that Hollywood re-made from a mediocre comic book or pedestrian ’70s television show; preceded by dinner at Chili’s or Applebee’s of course.

He is, in other words, an uninspired person. A tool. A checkmark. And most importantly, a perfect match for that lineup of empty checkboxes. He is the one patiently waiting to give her — your high school’s prom queen and student council president — the happy ending she wants after years of grinding it out in the dating-industrial complex. He’s the reason wedding vows include the phrase: Do you take this man?

“I’m glad to define myself as the average All-American guy” says 31-year-old Jeremy from Lincoln Park. “What’s wrong with that?”

Perhaps not much at all, especially when you consider that “closing time” is approaching soon for another set of single women.

You make me look good
Women underachieve by a series of incremental steps that are so small, they makes the gradual decline look barely noticeable. Kristen explains: “Women are always under pressure to be with somebody rather than be alone.”

This leads to risk-averse behavior, as she tells more interesting suitors that she is “in a relationship right now,” maybe missing better opportunities along the way. From that point on, the cultural arc starts to kick in: the move in, the chocolate lab, and presto, a ring is produced. You know the drill from Wicker Park to Lincoln Park to park yourself here. Then the actual event is overhyped as a glorious rite of passage rather than the de-evolution it truly is. But even after her downfall, she may yet harbor a kind of princess Jasmine fantasy, as she constantly gets looks on the street that shout out: “Wow, she’s way too good for him.”

He’s no prince, but she sure is a princess by comparison.

“I think you’re way off base,” says Lauren S., an unemployed 28-year-old from Lakeview. “The one you end up with is the one you were supposed to be with. If you didn’t connect with someone else, then it wasn’t meant to be. You can’t contradict fate. It doesn’t mean you always end up with a schlub.”

Let’s hope not, Lauren.

Paul Banks can be reached at PaulB05@hotmail.com

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