Answers to your dating questions from comedian Ian Coburn, author of the ever-popular “God is a Woman: Dating Disasters”

Be warned: Ian’s not your mom, and he’ll tell it like it is! Send your questions to info@TheRealChicago.org or www.godisawoman.net and check out all the great book reviews on Amazon. “God is a Woman” is available at bookstores and all online booksellers.

Q: Do you have any good ideas for a first date where I can really meet a girl and get to know her? I’m kind of tired of the normal drinks or dinner and a movie routine.
— Gary

A: Gary, Gary, Gary! (It is Gary, right?) Where have you been? Come on, there are tons of places to go to in Chi-Town. Are you kidding me? And I’ve been talking about several for a while. Here are some great ones:
Movies in the park (throughout the city, the big ones are in Grant Park on Tuesdays and run through August); Guthrie’s or Blue Frog, where you can get to know your date over playing a bunch of different board games; The Melting Pot, a fondue restaurant; Chicago Indoor Racing (located in Buffalo Grove) is a cool place where you can race your date around in go-carts; dinner and a play, especially “Leaving Iowa,” which is funny and laid back.

That should be enough to get you started and thinking along the right lines. Personally, my favorite first-date place is Guthrie’s. You can talk while playing board games. They help spark conversation when there are lulls, and dating is a game, so you might as well start by playing some real ones!

Q: When we argue, my boyfriend always gets defensive and walks away. It leads to our disagreements only coming up again later. How do I get him to sit down and discuss what’s wrong in a reasonable fashion?
— Carrie S.

A: Carrie, this is a red flag. You need to discuss this with him. Tell him it bothers you and doesn’t solve anything. Ask why he does it. Does he just not want to fight? Is it something you do that irritates him so much, he has to walk away? Has he always done this in relationships? If he doesn’t know or doesn’t want to talk about it, and continues to behave in this manner, it is a sign of a severe lack of maturity or possibly even anger issues; that’s what the red flag is denoting. He may not be ready for a mature relationship. He may need professional help to get ready. I hate to say it, but it is a very valid reason to break up with him. (To be clear, what you’re describing is different than a guy who needs to walk away and then discuss the issue calmly later. That’s a mature guy who realizes he is about to pop and that doing so will solve nothing, so he takes a needed break, returning to the issue when he can discuss it more calmly.) You can’t be in a serious relationship with someone who can’t work to solve real issues that come between you. As the relationship continues, you’ll only have more and more unresolved issues piled up. Who needs that? That’s what parents are for — unresolved, piled up issues!

Q: Okay, I have to ask, what did you think of last month’s article in The Real Chicago called “Last call” that says women are underachieving with men in Chicago, given that part of your whole dating philosophy is not to worry about leagues and numbering women? (If you don’t answer this question, you are a wimp and everything you write is b.s.)
— Greg

A: Oooh, I’m so scared. Like I care what you think. It is an important topic that I discuss, though, and you’re right — if I don’t address it, I’m a wimp. I think the article “Last call” was good and addressed the issue that women have a lot of peer pressure to get married or to be dating. Many women date the wrong guy because they just want to be dating. They may miss the right guy entirely because they are dating the wrong one when they meet him. Screw leagues. There are so many stupid labels and preconceptions society has created — which are completely pointless when you get down to it — that get in the way of dating happiness. If a pretty woman isn’t dating a romantic guy with lots of hair, an exciting career and a great body, she is underachieving. On the other hand, she has to be with someone who is a steady provider and home a lot. See how society norms conflict and confuse? Talk about mixed messages.

I had a great career as a comedian on the road, which everyone thought was cool and women adored. It was cool. Okay, so date me. Oh yeah, I’ll be gone for four months on tour. Is that a problem? Want to date a stuntman? Cool. He’ll be gone a lot, too, and he may get hurt or killed. Show me a guy with a fascinating vocation, and I’ll show you guy whose woman comes second. Also, fascinating vocations don’t roll in dough until they get really popular, which often never happens.

The fact is, average, balding guys with mundane jobs who make good money are ideal guys with whom to settle down. They’re at home, their woman is No. 1 on their list and no one is underachieving with them unless they’re not in love. The basic dating-norm problem in our society is this: What happens between a man and woman, from a male perspective, is between that man and woman. Period. What happens between a man and woman, from a woman’s or society’s perspective, is between that man, the woman, every friend she has, every woman she’s ever met, and everyone else in the entire world. What business is it of theirs? None, nada, zip, zilch. Screw ’em.

No one’s opinion should carry more weight than your own — not your friends’, not your mom’s, not you father’s, not your third grade teacher’s, not Dr. Phil’s, not Oprah’s, not mine, no one’s. Many people haven’t realized this, especially women who make bad dating choices. Until they do, they will continue to have these dating problems. Think I’m wrong? Think about it. The entire second part of that article basically preached to a large group of women that they were underachieving in dating, without knowing anything about who they were dating or whether they were in love. (Love and feelings have nothing to do with what society dictates; they often conflict.)

Again, it’s someone making a woman’s dating life the business of the writer, the readers, and the paper’s. Basically, a whole bunch of people who don’t mean squat. Ever see an article telling men they are underachieving in dating? Nope. And you probably never will. Date who you want and be happy for a change. If people bug you about it, like I said in the opening to this question, tell them, “Like I care what you think.” (Be a little more tactful with your mom … and Oprah.)