Answers to your dating questions from comedian Ian Coburn, author of the ever-popular "God is a Woman: Dating Disasters”

Be warned: Ian’s not your mom, and he’ll tell it like it is! Send your questions to info@TheRealChicago.org or www.godisawoman.net and check out all the great book reviews on Amazon. “God is a Woman” is available at bookstores and all online booksellers.

Before we get into this week’s column, I have a big announcement: My book “God is a Woman: Dating Disasters” is going Russian! That’s right, on Nov. 29, I officially sealed the deal with a very interested and enthusiastic Russian publisher to translate the book and release it in Russia and CIS countries (Belarus, etc). This is very rare for any book, and it’s very flattering. It’s also rewarding to realize one of the goals of the book is being accomplished — reaching a universal audience. I owe it to the word of mouth of its readers, so thank you all. It is the reviews on Amazon and in other places that caught the publisher’s attention. I’ll keep you posted on the release date so that you can tell your comrades to pick up a copy. OK, on to business.

Q: Do you find that people are being forced to be more creative with first dates in hopes of making a splash these days?
— Aaron, 35, River North
A: Forced by whom? I don’t think people are creative at all when it comes to first dates. I do think people put more pressure on themselves and on the first date than they ever did previously, but it’s not pressure to be creative. Many women seem to expect to determine if their date is “Mr. Right” on the first date. Many guys seem to expect to get more action than they have in the past. First dates have become nothing more than interviews. What do you do? What are your goals? Where do you see yourself five years from now? Do you want children? How many? And my personal favorite — How come you’re still single? I keep killing women who ask me that question; that’s one big reason. The point of the first date is very simple. It’s to answer one question: Will there be a second date? That’s it.

It’s easy to have a good first date, I shit you not. Just realize and follow through with your role. The guy’s role is to set the tone and momentum of the date. The woman’s role is not to break it. How do you set a good tone and momentum? Be prepared. Take her to a place you know she’ll like. Know the area around the place and be all set for the date when you arrive. For instance, if you’re driving yourself and her to the date location, don’t stop at a cash station after you pick her up. Know where you’re going to park and how much it will cost. Don’t stop for an oil change on the way. These things kill the momentum, and you look like you’ve put very little effort into the date, and thus, her.

If you’re the woman, don’t answer your cell or check text messages during the date. Don’t drill the guy with “interview” questions. Don’t complain about everything on the date — the food is cold, our waiter is slow, it’s too bright in here. Save the nagging for when you’re married. The message you’re really sending with such comments is: “You chose a crappy place.” And you’re killing the momentum.

Let the date and conversation progress naturally, and you’ll learn a lot more about each other and whether there is a mutual attraction. Keep the conversation light — talk about your favorite TV show or Da Bears, not how many siblings you have or how your mom is nagging you to get married; that’s what therapists are for, not dates.

Q: What's the word on online dating? Do you like it? Do you think it's growing, or starting to level off finally? I think it is the future, but is there a stigma still attached to it?
— Leslie, Lincoln Park
A: Online dating has one single perk: You know the other people on the site are looking. That’s good. You don’t want to have a great conversation with someone only to find out at the end that he lives with his girlfriend of three years. One major problem with online dating is that it doesn’t give you accurate insight into your date’s personality. Is he just as witty off the cuff or only when he has three weeks to answer your email? The other is that you don’t know whether there is any chemistry. I’ve had several online dates (hey, you can’t answer questions if you haven’t been on the battlefield; if you want that kind of advice, go read a book by one of those PhDs who base all their relationship advice on their study of how mice attract one another and interact), and with the exception of one, there wasn’t any chemistry. I don’t ask a woman out unless there is chemistry, so it felt odd and was disappointing. Chemistry and people skills cannot be ascertained over the Web. I don’t know if it’s growing, but it is becoming more specific. For example, I heard of one new site that is for military personnel only.

Q: I have a friend who says he is only looking for women of a certain ethnicity. Should I try to open his mind, or let him be? He's not racist whatsoever, which puzzles me why he's so focused on one race in the dating game. Seems he could be really missing out.
— Brett, 28, Lakeview
A: Kick his ass! Smash his car windows! Tell him to learn how to read a defense! I’m sorry, I thought we were talking about Rex Grossman. ... Don’t you have enough going on in your own life without worrying about who your friend wants to date? Yeah, he’s missing out. Who cares? If it doesn’t bother him and he’s not mistreating anyone, what does it matter? More for the rest of us. He’s happy, you’re his friend. Don’t rock his boat of happiness. Let him come around on his own or not.

Q: My girlfriend and I have been together for about five months. I'm really into her, but her birthday is coming up, and I really haven't gotten her a meaningful present until now. Do you have any ideas, and after five good months, how much pressure is on me to come up with something she really likes?
— Tim, 30, South Loop
A: You need to give her something she’s always really wanted but never been able to get — my phone number. I don’t know your girlfriend, as far as we know, so I don’t have any ideas. Use your imagination. For instance, who are her favorite singers? Any of them appearing in town in the next few months? It doesn’t even have to be near her birthday; it could be months later, just as long as you get the tickets to give to her on her birthday. A safe bet is to surprise her with a night or weekend away at a hotel. Just a little R&R time for you both to be alone. Choose something away from her — the city if she lives in the burbs, or the burbs if she lives in the city.