Answers to your dating questions from comedian Ian Coburn, author of the ever-popular "God is a Woman: Dating Disasters”

Be warned: Ian’s not your mom, and he’ll tell it like it is! Send your questions to info@TheRealChicago.org or www.godisawoman.net and check out all the great book reviews on Amazon. “God is a Woman” is available at bookstores and all online booksellers.

Q: I met a guy a few months ago, and I know he really likes me because he seems sort of nervous around me all the time. He only calls me and sees me on Thursday — my day off — and lately every other Thursday. He’s always told me he works a lot of hours. He never asks me to see him on the weekends, but when he sees me on Thursdays, he’s always asking me all sorts of questions about my weekend: Where did you go? Did guys hit on me? Are you dating anyone? I always tell him no. When I first started seeing him, he told me he was seeing someone else, but I let it go because I figured he just met me. After a couple weeks, he asked me the same questions, and I got really frustrated and asked him why he does that, and he said, “Well, you’re really attractive, and I figured a lot of guys hit on you. And you should be dating, because I’m dating other women.” I asked him if he was seeing the same girl, and he said yes. I got up and started to leave, but he begged me to stay and said we’re good together. I told him I can’t be second to anyone, and he said I wasn’t, but I still left. I feel very strongly that he is making up this other woman and she doesn’t exist. Anyway, he didn’t call me, but I sent him a text message after two weeks of not hearing from him. To help him out for sticking his foot in his mouth, I jokingly asked if he got rid of his girlfriend. He sent a text back saying I was rude and emotional and that he was being honest, which most women would appreciate. I told him, “You’re right, but that’s not why you said that, so who’s really being honest here?” He never responded. He finally called me after two months and came over recently, but he still says he has commitment issues and he’d like to be in a relationship one day. We hung out awhile, and now, again, it’s been a week and I haven’t heard from him. My question is, is it me making it hard for him to have a relationship because I’m not communicating what’s bothering me about this or that I really like him, or is he just a creep who is full of himself? Help me out here.
— Confused
A: I have a headache. I never thought I’d see the day where I’d prefer to receive a calculus question. It is obvious to the whole world that you are making excuses for this joke of a man because you like him a lot and you want him to be how you envision him, instead of how he is. Stop doing that! Instead of trying to force a malformed, oversized polygon into a square hole, go out and find a square peg. This is a very important fact for dating: Barring job or family obligations, if you’re not ever getting a weekend night for dating from someone, you don’t mean squat. You are a backup plan. You are a last-second thought. You are an “Oh, my real date just cancelled; I’ll call what’s-that-person’s name” line. Worse, the object of your affection may very well be married. It is very odd and a huge red flag when someone can only see you one set time a week and VANISHES INEXPLICABLY FOR MONTHS AT A TIME. Wonder what he tells his wife when he sees you on Thursdays? Poker night with the guys? Piano lessons? If he suddenly has to get very good at playing piano, you’ll know why. Hoist anchor and shove off to a new port.

Q: Talk about your all-time surprises. One of my friends, who I’ve known for years, asked me recently if I wanted to father her baby. There would be no strings attached. She wants desperately to be a mother and would raise the child on her own. I know these are unique circumstances, but it’s hard for me to imagine being a father right now, even if my role was small and without responsibility. It’s hard for me to imagine even having sex with her because we’re like brother and sister. Anyway, what do you think about this dilemma?
— Steven, 30, River North
A: Ah, a Kentucky brother’s dream… Your friend may very well be the greatest, most caring person on the planet. She might potentially be the best mom ever, someone who dwarfs Mrs. Cleaver. Clearly, she’s not a lawyer. It doesn’t matter if she says “no strings attached.” That’s not how the law sees it. You will be responsible, and you will have to pay child support if Uncle Sam deems it. You’re the father. Also, that kid is going to want to know you one day. Having a child never, ever, in any way, shape or form, relieves you from any responsibility bearing that child. And having a child is a full-time role that can never be changed; you can’t quit. My older sister is 41, and my mom and I are currently looking after her three kids because she screwed up. So my mom’s job as a mother still continues, well past my sister’s 18th birthday. Your friend is also assuming her position won’t change. What if, when the child is five, your friend is in an accident that paralyzes her? The child goes to the guardian she designates, and that guardian comes after you for child support. You’ll lose that battle. What if the child is paralyzed? Your friend suddenly needs more money, and you can bet she’ll be turning to you, possibly legally, if necessary. Personally, I feel your friend is a little selfish. She “wants desperately to be a mother.” So what? I’d like very much to be a father. I’m not in love with anyone or married, so right now, no dice. If I don’t fall in love and don’t get married, no kids. Kids are hopefully the result of a marriage full of love, not the result of someone who simply wants to have them. That’s what my older sister did; she wanted kids, so she had them. She’s not married, and they suffer daily in their chaotic lives. Your friend is not thinking much about the kid. Case in point: Do you think the kid will want to be fatherless? She’s screwing him out of something before he’s even born. I feel for your friend, but just because we can do something doesn’t mean we should. She can always look into adoption to help a kid already in a bind, as opposed to bringing a new kid into one.

Q: So I want to ask this girl out that I work with, but I want to do it in a unique way. In other words, not, “Hey, do you want to grab dinner sometime?” Any ideas on an approach that would impress?
— Davis, 30, South Loop
A: You work with her, so you must know something about her. Use it! Does she like a certain type of music? Violins? Monster truck rallies? Invite her to one of those. Don’t try to impress someone, especially when you first ask her out. Typically, the result is you feeling like you have to keep raising the bar for each date, and it becomes tiresome for both of you. If it were me, I’d use proximity to make a casual play. When I was leaving the building with her one day, I’d casually say, “Man, what a rough day, huh? Come on, let’s go grab a drink at… and maybe start a bar brawl.” If she couldn’t go, I’d set the rain check date on the spot.

Q: I’m sold on my boyfriend as the love of my life, but he already told me he doesn’t have any plans to get married for at least five years. There is no way I want to wait that long, but I don’t know how to bring it up to him. I feel as though I have to though. Is this a topic most men don’t like to discuss, and if not, why?
— Catherine, 30, Logan Square
A: Foul! Foul! Foul! The notion that guys don’t want to discuss marriage is one of many key B.S. notions created by society and media in order to sell women products, magazines and self-help books, all geared to landing — or, more often, creating — the right guy. A friend of mine didn’t want to get married because of her age and her boyfriend, who did want to get married and have kids. That was their only point of contention, and eventually he broke up with her. Also, if your guy said he didn’t want to get married for five-plus years, he’s obviously discussed it; he just didn’t give you the answer you wanted. Your question “Is this a topic men don’t like to discuss, and if not, why?” really is “Why doesn’t he want to discuss and consider marrying earlier, when I want to get married?” Despite self-help books’ advice to the contrary, men do not want to be changed, convinced or manipulated into marriage. If there’s no way you can wait to be married for at least five years (and he never said you would be the one when he does want to marry), and he refuses to even consider marriage prior to five years, well, Houston, we have a problem … a big, freaking, hairy problem! It’s grounds for you to break up. He may change his mind once you’re gone and come back to you, but don’t expect it. Be ready to move on, if more immediate marriage is your goal.