Writer’s block

Resolutions for the New Year

A return to Chicago brings out some new plans for life in the city

By Brian Lipman

Well, it has been almost a year since I made my triumphant return to Chicago, a city where I was very well educated on the North Shore in the mid 1990s. I am a born and raised New Yorker, and it is time to put that place behind me and embrace the city I now call home. In doing so, I have come up with several New Years resolutions I would like to share.

1. Drink more
In other towns that aren’t dominated by a state university or underage Hollywood starlets, drinking is a companion to other activities. You have six cocktails with dinner, some brews at the game, a few sips after touring a winery, multiple martinis to withstand the onslaught of questions at family affairs, or even some shots of tequila on a birthday (or a Saturday — it is probably somebody’s birthday). However, here in Chitown, drinking is the activity. Hell, I see wine coolers in the cup holders of people’s cars at my office! Cubs win? Cubs lose? We all win with beer! It wouldn’t surprise me if a new bar opens every five minutes in this town. And I betcha they’ll all have drink specials every night of the week. My favorites are the ones that start at 9 a.m. on Sunday. Hallelujahs and Hail Marys for some, cheap buckets of Schlitz for me. That lawn dart game is only popular because you can dominate it while drinking within sight of your own balcony. Whatever happened to tennis and badminton? If I am going to become a true Chicagoan in 2008, I need to drink much, much more.

2. Become a passionate but skeptical sports fan
Living not so far from Wrigley Field, I figured that despite being warned not to, I would become a Cubs fan. Don’t get me wrong, the Yanks will still be my No. 1 ball team, but there is very little conflict there. So I picked up a Cubs hat, went to some games, enjoyed some Old Style. But what I can’t figure out is, all year, even when they were playing well, the whole North Side was just waiting for them to blow it. I felt that for every “Go Cubs Go” chant, you need to mutter under your breath, “Pathetic bastards.” None of this made sense to me until I managed to sneak into the playoff game and witness the epitome failure first-hand. From a leadoff home run to 45 runners left on base, if the city had truly embraced the Cubs, we would be in the midst of a second Dark Age now (to go along with what seems to be the second Ice Age). Way to go, being smarter than the new guy who thought we would win.

Now with the Bears, I wasn’t here when the Super Bowl run was in high gear, but I bet it was the same sentiment. “They may be in the Super Bowl, but they don’t have a chance ’cause of that loser Grossman.” Even more of a tease, when Hester returned the opening kickoff, fans may have been duped into thinking they really had a chance. Of course, you guys were right again, big loss and major letdown. Good thing this year’s Bears were back to providing a comfortable normalcy of sports talk bickering, with professional sports serving as just another accoutrement to drinking.
Next year I’m gonna cheer for the Cubs whenever I’m at a game or see one on TV, but I won’t get fooled into thinking there is a championship in the works. I have enough to worry about.

3. Spend more time on weekends in sports bars ogling girls
This is simply amazing. Chicago chicks have realized that if they don’t align themselves with Big Ten sports, NFL football and, of course, the Cubs, they will never ever meet guys or see their men. In no other town are sports bars teeming with such beautiful babes. And don’t tell me the really care about sports. They may pretend to be watching Devin Hester, but they are really just staring down the other girls. “Oh, you think I’m fat, you heifer? I see you with your own order of nachos.” The whole scene is just remarkable. Evolution at its finest. More beer and wings in 2008 for me, please.

4. Become a master handicapper of Chicago’s traffic games
While everything is supposedly 20 minutes away, rush hour traffic is a competitive sport akin to primordial dwarf vs. rabid hyena wrestling. That’s right — terrifying and very disheartening (Oh look at those poor little guys get devoured by the laughing dogs).

Maybe it is more akin to horse racing: And down the stretch they come, Kennedy express lanes in the lead with 30, outbound 42, Eisenhower bringing up the rear. What is the deal with all of this? You need to be a damn math major just to figure out what the traffic is like! I just want to know if I will ever get home to my beer, my grill and my girl (in that order, of course). Are there betting lines? How about 5 p.m., summer Friday, Edens inbound with an over/under of 60 minutes? Can I parlay that with the Bishop Ford? Wherever the hell that is. I’m getting GPS, and then I’ll be raking in the dough.

5. Use my outdoor space more
I guess that since the winters are such crap here, people value their summer outdoor time. That is the only reason I can figure out why they would design so many damn condos with balconies right off the bedroom. I guess that would be conveniently romantic for the post-snog cigarette (right next to your annoying neighbor and within full view of drunken Cubs fans pissing in the alley). However, all of those benefits do not outweigh having to pass platters of bloody meat over your down comforter in order to have a few friends over for a BBQ. I will try to eat as many meals as I can on my deck within easy reach of a cooler, not my nightstand. You guys are all invited.

6. Spend more time at street fairs
Street fairs are the local summer pastime, and I need to spend more time at them. Why not, they’re free! All they require is a snarky “Who the hell do you think you are to be asking me for money — Yeah, I thought so” look to walk in for free. Then you get the privilege of walking back and forth like a caged Vegas cat and eventually giving up and waiting in line for beer and overpriced crap food. Especially nachos, the No. 1 food in Chicagoland. So loved that they are featured at Wrigley field and at the super fancy futuristic temple of gastro physics, Moto. Stick with Wrigley’s. Trust me. Getting back to street fairs, go late to see the headliners and drink heavily ahead of time. At least they had some pimp champagne at the gay fete. Pommery and Taylor Dayne. Who am I?

7. Become a better city driver
Nah, forget it. To me, a four-way stop equals a four-way go. I need to get better at these things. Much better. When I see another car at a stop sign, that is my cue to speed up. I hate the “You go, No, you go” bullshit. Everyone is really polite when it doesn’t count. Try cutting into the line for the men’s room at a packed bar, and you’ll get beat down no matter how bad you’ve got to go. But let 14 people pour out of a Target parking lot and hold up traffic all the way back to the interstate, and that’s OK, especially if you wave. Forget it, I’m going to continue to drive as aggressively as I can and hope that everyone else catches on. Get outta my way.

There you have it, just a few New Year’s resolutions for how to be a better Chicago guy. I’ll keep you posted as to my (drunken) progress. And if you have any ideas, ping me at: misterchico@yahoo.com

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