Writer’s block

One man’s birthday wishes

As the author’s big day fast approaches, he arrives at a unique list in case you’re in the giving mood

By Brian Lipman

My birthday is on the horizon. In fact, by the time you are reading this, the anniversary of my birth has come and gone and you declined to get me something. Thanks. But just in case you happened to get your hands on a special pirated advanced manuscript, I decided to let all of you know exactly what I want for my birthday. Even though you can’t always get what you want, if you don’t ask, you’ll never have a chance.

1.) I would like a Craftmatic Adjustable Bed. I have wanted one for a really long time. How great would it be to have a bed with a remote control! Legs up, soft and cushy; or Hannibal Lecter-style, vertical and firm. This is one of the first products I recall being sold exclusively through TV, and I want one. I wonder if I could arrange to have the deluxe hospital package with the bedpan and nurse to change it. Now that would be a recipe for extended winter hibernation.

2.) How about a case of Bell’s Best Brown Ale? Bell’s beer, from Kalamazoo, Mich., is the best beer in the world. But for the past year, due to a dispute between brewer Larry Bell and his Chicago distributor, there is none to be found. How sad is that for us, beer-drinking Chicago, and how ballsy of Larry to yank his brew out of the No. 1 drinking town in the world! That would be like Ford deciding to stop selling pickup trucks in Texas. Simply incredible. He could sell more beer here in Chitown in one weekend than he could in Michigan in a year. Perhaps I will have to resort to intrastate booze trafficking to get my fix.

3.) I would like the Super Bowl back on my birthday. In my youth, I was a lucky boy. It seemed like every few years, I would have the honor of sharing my birthday with the big game. This was before the 18 hours of coverage, too. This was when it was a game, not an event. These days, the commercials and corporate sponsors are more important than the game. Sadly, thanks to the braniacs at the NFL, there are now two weeks off before the Super Bowl. C’mon, this is football, they don’t need an extra week off. And we certainly don’t need an extra week of hype. How many times do we need to read about the players’ contributions to their local communities? All the bonus week does is give the players even more opportunities to find new ways to get in trouble (usually involving disputes with law enforcement and Lamborghinis, reminiscent to “Cops” meets “Cribs”). I am sick of the hype and miss my birthday game.

4.) An iPhone. Yup, I, just like you, want one of these things. This in fact is the first gadget I have coveted since my Casio Digital Diary died in the seventh grade and I cried. I learned a valuable lesson that day: Don’t carry anything with you that you don’t want to lose or break. But now, older and more mature (OK, older), I may be ready. Yes I know, the touch screen in eminently breakable, and it is a bitch to get fixed, but it is pretty damn cool. Can you imagine being able to cruise the internet for exotic porn during boring meetings at work? Obviously I can!

5.) More HD programming. Yes, thank you, I am aware that there are now like 75 HD channels on Direct TV. However, the channels are useless without programs on it. I am tired of seeing the same lions nearly starve to death before attacking an elephant and the Isle of Wright Festival over and over again. And I am ready to picket at Bose headquarters for incessantly haunting my living room. It is great that we are in the HD world, but we desperately need more shows. Go back and convert more movies. Shoot shows like “The Real World” in HD so we can really know how mean the other housemates are in the full glory of 1080p. And give me cooking shows in HD — I want to feel so close to deep-fried bird’s nest that I can practically taste it!

6.) I want the Democratic candidates to play nice just for one day. It is obviously apparent that the nation is ready to give the Democrats another chance at 1600 Pennsylvania, but these ego-maniacs keep getting in each other’s ways. Going back to 2000, Al “The Robot” Gore made just enough mistakes, shying away from any Clinton involvement and generally not smiling at all, to give Bush the election. Then Kerry was just a poor candidate to unseat an incumbent during wartime. Charisma would have been helpful. And now, ripe once again for a little liberal love in the top spot, we have the two candidates bickering. Ok, so Barack partied a little in college — who didn’t? And we all know that Hillary can come off a bit manipulating (hello, she’s a woman, what do you expect? She cries too!) But can we just hold hands and take care of business together? Think about that, an African American and female ticket. That should be able to garner about one percent of all the establishment voters in swing states.

What I don’t want
1.) A surprise party at work complete with store-bought signs and banners and a cake from Jewel with my name on it. Please, how pathetic. Buy me a round of Patron shots and toast to me. That’s the way you are supposed to celebrate my birthday.

2.) Gift cards. What’s worse than you getting me a crappy gift? Making me pick out a gift at your crappy choice of store. If you are going to go through the trouble to trek to Banana Republic and buy me a damn gift card, finish the job. Buy me a sweater or gloves or a shirt — something! The last thing I want to do is drag my own sorry ass to your favorite store. Give me a gift that is awesome (see above) or fat envelopes of cash, gangster style.

3.) A new cooking device. I don’t need a more convenient way to grill hot dogs or a high-tech bacon rack for the microwave. I would much prefer a membership in the Bacon of the Month club or a year’s supply of kosher cheese dogs.

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