Writer’s block

Holidays: the good, the bad and the ugly

Breaking down which holidays are exploited, which excite and which I could just do without

By Brian Lipman

I am sick and tired of the shameless exploitation of our national holidays. Everywhere you look, there is some sort of frenzied sales event taking place or must-have accessories you need to buy in honor of a particular holiday. Do we really need this? I certainly don’t. Yes, I know that not every holiday can be as fun as my birthday (which, if you are a not-so-careful reader, you know is one of the best days of the year), but they don’t need to be the centerpieces of shameless greed and capitalism.

It just happens that the commercialization of holidays all began on a birthday, begging the question: What would Jesus do? Certainly not make such a big deal about his birthday, that’s what. If he truly was a modest carpenter (which I don’t believe, since none of my Jewish friends can fix anything) the last thing he would want would be a fete so grand it now begins before Thanksgiving (see below for tidbits on this glorious holiday).

Sadly, the whole fate of our nation’s financial well being falls upon Christmas every single year. People buy each other stupid crap out of obligation. A trillion greeting cards are sent out with ugly family pictures. Beautiful trees get cut down to be savored indoors for a few weeks before catching on fire or being discarded with much crying, pomp and circumstance.

Every year, it seems like retailers ratchet up the Christmas mania an extra notch. They compete with each other to see how early they can fool deal-obsessed consumers to shop after Thanksgiving. What’s next? Another artificially extremely important and potentially record-breaking shopping day? How about the Saturday before Thanksgiving? Step right up, free turkduckens to the first 100 people who show Santa their list and buy the super special early-bird sales items. Then, retailers will be able to tally up the results, tell us the economy is screwed, implore the Fed to cut rates to encourage spending, and finally, when all else fails, hold a firesale on Dec. 26 before selling out to the Chinese.

The depressing fact is that without Christmas, people would just buy what they want and need. And that would not be enough to keep the gravy train rolling down the tracks. We need the fruitcakes, unused gift cards and heinous sweaters. So maybe Jesus does in fact save... the economy.

It is too bad that many holidays are following the Christmas path to mass commercialization and soullessness.

When did Easter start to become a reason to buy things? Who needs to be reminded to buy ugly pastel items? Your aunt Ethel loves pastels, and she sure as hell doesn’t need a heads-up. As you could maybe surmise, I hate pastels, so the last thing I need is for those awful colors to be plastered around. Once again, Jesus is getting the shaft. Pink bunnies? Marshmallow, alien-looking baby chickens? What do these have to do with coming back to life?

Since there is no real rabbit being served at Easter dinner (this I blame on Glenn Close,), it’s a good thing there is ham. Glorious ham basted with honey and served with fruit. Keep the ham coming, and I won’t notice the pastel dress. And I want Easter chocolates all year round, as they are simply the best part of spring months (certainly better than the non-existent spring weather). Kudos is in order for the fine folks at Cadbury R&D who developed mini eggs. But let’s stop being cute and keep these babies in production year round. You can even color code them for holidays — I’ll stock up on red white and blue for July 4. Now we’re talking.

I am a romantic at heart, but each year at Valentine’s Day, I feel that everyone is trying to take advantage of me. Three days before the big day, flowers are already triple the price. C’mon, they are the same exact flowers. And it’s not like you can buy them two weeks out and stash them in a hidden closet; rather pungent I recall. Restaurants fleece you with prix fixe menus heavy on chocolate and all things red. There is way too much pressure on guys and so many people ready to exploit our general romantic ineptitude the other 364 days (this year 365).

Other holidays are teetering on the edge of Hallmarksploitation. Halloween — do you really need to transform your condo into a haunted house? Maybe you should save the money and remodel the ugly second bathroom instead. Aren’t three bags of Reese’s enough for the neighborhood tots and your own fat ass? Yes, costumes are much more expensive in October, but I pity costume store owners more than restroom attendants (who I pity a whole lot and tip every time). But I guess costume stores only need to stay open six weeks a year, since masquerade balls are on the sharp decline. Which is too bad.

Luckily for us, the best holidays are so singularly focused that they are virtually incorruptible by corporate America. Saint Patrick’s Day is right around the corner, and this writer couldn’t be more psyched. This is a holiday that you can’t exploit, as you would just get people to drink even more. And you may piss off the three sober Irishmen who would give a damn. As an added bonus, our beloved Chicago is the epicenter of St. Patty’s Day. Not only do we dye the river green (amazing!), but local bars start promoting it during the Super Bowl. Take that, Christmas! Six weeks of advance notice for the drunkest day of the year!

New Year’s Eve, the drunkest night of the year, is another great holiday. A chance to make resolutions, pour champagne on your best friends and kiss whomever you want when the clock strikes midnight. No time for hype, as everyone is still focused on cashing in their gift cards and returning unwanted sweaters. Sure, champagne doubles in price and bars bust out $100 cover charges for a midnight toast and “party favors.” I don’t know what the hell $100 buys you in Cubby Bear “party favors,” but here’s hoping they have names like Candi and Bubbles. But I digress — with proper planning, concert tickets, advance purchase of champagne and caviar and other luxury items, New Year’s Eve has no reason not to be the best night of the year.

Thanksgiving is another awesome holiday. An excuse to stuff as much fatty food in your mouth as possible (did you ever take a second to think about what stuffing is made of?) while watching not two, but now three football games. Throw in unlimited hard alcohol, and it all adds up to such a wonderful holiday that you can survive the one time the whole family is together.

And last on the list of holidays that don’t suck: The Fourth of July is wonderful, special, day. An annual event commemorating our independence from those limey bastards across the pond. We’ll blow stuff up, have cookouts and get drunk! That’ll show ’em! We value our freedom and know how to celebrate it. It is almost impossible to exploit a holiday that is supported by publicly financed, amazingly multicolored, incendiary munitions. Alright Grucci brothers, raise your prices. What the hell do I care? I would rather my tax dollars go to amazing fireworks displays than limos and armed guards for elected officials. What are you going to do, big business? Raise prices on hot dogs and beer? That will get you on George W’s bad list in a matter of seconds. I hear Guantanamo is beautiful in early July.

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