Answers to your dating questions from comedian Ian Coburn, author of the ever-popular "God is a Woman: Dating Disasters”

Be warned: Ian’s not your mom, and he’ll tell it like it is! Send your questions to info@TheRealChicago.org or www.godisawoman.net and check out all the great book reviews on Amazon. “God is a Woman” is available at bookstores and all online booksellers.

Q: I read your column and enjoy it. My question is this: What are three things that you look for in a woman? And be honest. Always curious to hear these things.
— Julia, 28
A: Ooh, a question about me. Intriguing… She must put me first above all other things, she must wear a maid outfit at all times whenever she is at my place, she… I don’t really look for things in a woman; I find things in a woman. I cannot emphasize this approach enough. It keeps dating fun and interesting. Instead of being “on the lookout” for certain traits in advance, I simply allow myself to discover a woman. This keeps me from limiting my experiences, and often I end up becoming attracted to someone I never would have otherwise considered. Three traits I tend to find intoxicating in a woman are wit, independence and eyes. To quote directly from of the big book of God is a Woman — “I am a huge sucker for eyes; it is my one weakness. A woman can have everything else and I can resist. A woman can have beautiful eyes and I want to buy her a house.” What color are your eyes, Julia?

Q: In your opinion, what are some things in general that women do that tend to drive good men away? My girlfriends and I have discussed this, and we wanted an opinion from a third party.
— Lisa
A: Women drive good men away by wearing too many clothes, not having threesomes with them… What? I’m a guy; how did you expect me to answer? This is tough to answer because I have no idea what qualifies as “a good man” to you and your friends. I’ll assume you mean a guy who will treat you well and be respectful (I don’t mean wimpy or a nice guy or a guy who is afraid to make a pass or touch you. I mean a guy who will treat you well but won’t put up with any crap, either). Too much game playing is the No. 1 poison to good men because it smacks of a lack of self-esteem, which in turn indicates high maintenance. “Testing” us with phony “emergencies” to see if we’ll choose you over a night out with our friends at the last second. Not returning our calls in an effort to make us “chase” you. Basically, doing anything described in The Rules will scare away good guys. Constant game playing is not geared toward getting a good guy; it’s geared toward getting a rich one and becoming a trophy wife. If you don’t want to be a trophy wife, don’t excessively play games because good men quickly bail. Keep the game playing to a flirtatious, fun level. Insincerity is also a top deterrent to good men. We most easily and expeditiously identify this trait by watching how you interact with all men. If you are friendly and welcoming to attractive men who approach you, and short and rude to other guys, you are insincere. We won’t waste our time approaching you.

Q: How do I tactfully tell my girlfriend that she works out too much? I like curves, and I'm afraid she's losing hers by living at the gym. She's not a weightlifter or anything, just a little too toned for my liking, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.
— T.D., 27
A: I find it best to tell a woman she is working out too much as she is making the move to transition me from a half-nelson to a headlock. How you approach it is really relative to your personality. If it were me, I’d tease her about wanting to look good for the ladies or preparing to beat me up. I would use that to transition into a discussion about why she liked hitting the gym so much and letting her know that it is her current curves and look that makes my general stand up and take notice. There is a very good chance that she is working out because she is trying to stay in shape for you, so you definitely need to discuss it. Also, how come she has all this time to work out at the gym? Perhaps you are not seeing her enough, and she is simply filling up her schedule. See her more frequently. Personally, I like to give and receive my workouts in the bedroom as opposed to the gym.

Q: I know this guy who I think is great, and great for me. But we've had a couple of boring dates, and I don't know what to do next. He's funny and got a great personality, but when it's just the two of us, things don't mesh and it's almost like he crawls into a shell. Any suggestions?
— Stephanie
A: Stephanie, Stephanie, Stephanie… it is Stephanie, right? You are gravely mistaken. You do not know a guy who is great and great for you. Rather, you know a guy you wish was great for you. This is a surprisingly common problem for many women that men simply don’t grasp. Women turn us down all the time because they are “dating a great guy.” As we talk to these women, they often reveal statements like: “My guy doesn’t like to go out and I do,” or “I love (insert interest) and he doesn’t, and he likes (insert interest) and I don’t” or “He’s pretty quiet, we really don’t do much when we’re together and he doesn’t say much” and so forth. Of course, we wonder why the hell you are dating a guy who doesn’t want to go out and shares few of your interests or pays you little attention, while we share a lot of your interests and are out, talking to you! Why pass us over to date the wrong guy when we could very well be the right one? It’s one of the great mysteries of women. The guy bores you, Stephanie. (Stephanie right?) There is no chemistry. Give him one or two more dates. If they are boring as well, jump ship. Don’t try to apply intellect (“I think he is great, and great for me”) to matters of the heart. The heart, mind and sex — again, surprisingly — often have very little to do with each other. I have women friends I love and would do anything for, but I have no desire to have sex with them. Mentally, I wish I did because we get along so well and have a blast when we are out together. It just ain’t in the cards. Draw a new hand, Stephanie. Just draw a new hand.