Writer’s block

Jet lagged

Here are 10 things wrong with travel today and fail-proof ways to fix them

By Brian Lipman

I am sick and tired of the sad state of travel today, and it keeps getting worse, very similar to “Deal or no Deal.” Yup, that sums it up. Just in case you have had your head up your ass for the last few years, let me give you a quick overview: Planes are more crowded than ever. Airports are a damn mess, no thanks to our investment in Iraq. Gas prices are through the roof — not just for your Impala, but for the giant flying heaps of outdated, non-fuel efficient shrapnel that the airlines rely on these days. And flight attendants are more overworked and underpaid than ever before. Factor in the weather — which seems to get worse every year (please see previous columns) — and you have the perfect recipe for misery, and I am sick of it.

There is a new chairman of the FAA, and it is me. I have some easy rules to fix air travel.

1. Goodbye flight attendants, welcome back stewardesses! If you are going to cut the staff in half (it seems two per coach cabin these days), they need to be young and hot. They need to dress well and remember that the customer comes first. And in order to insure that they hustle and look their very best, they should also work for tips. Yes, they can get a meager salary and benefits from the airline, but the majority of their take-home pay should come from gratuities. That’s a sure-fire method to bring back service with a smile to the “friendly” skies. I’m sure they would clean up too. I will gladly pay $5 on my first drink to insure that I am getting a steady flow of them, be it diet Dr. Pepper or double bourbons. Doing some quick math, if every customer gave each stewardess $1, they would make roughly $150 in cash every flight, often more. Imagine how well they would clean up if they were smokin’ hot! All of a sudden, there would be fierce competition among stewardesses for party flights. If I were a well-endowed babe, I would sign up for flights to Vegas and Cancun and get paid in a heartbeat. And without the salary, perhaps ticket prices could come down a bit? OK, maybe that is taking it too far. One more question: Would they have to tip out the pilots at the end of the nights?

2. Upgrade airports. Airports are horrible places. Every piece of the experience is wretched. Why can’t I find anything good to eat in O’Hare, but I can buy a massaging chair from Brookstone in Terminal 3? (I wish this was a paid plug, but just in case, please contact my editor for info as to where to send the free chair.) There is pointless shopping — how many pairs of sunglasses are really sold? And there are endless magazine shops that all sell the exact same thing. But c’mon, this is Chicago, a city that prides itself on food. So why can’t I get me some ribs or a nice bloody burger at the airport? Hell, even a few more bars with HD TVs would help. It is pretty amazing that the centerpiece of most terminals is a food court that seems to be ported from down-market mid-1980s malls. Do people really eat Chinese food from steam tables? Build-your-own-sandwich menus are not such a novelty anymore. I think it is time for Chuck E. Cheese, Taco Bell and the best local bars to become staples of the airport. If I can get foie gras to go in European airports, there is no way I shouldn’t be able to get a decent burger right here in the USA! BTW: Kudos for Midway’s “Superdawg.”

3. Security lines featuring idiot passengers and mouth breathing security goons. The TSA security personnel couldn’t give a shit if you get through that line in five minutes or 50, and neither can the family in front of you from Iowa who have never been in an airport before and are taking in all of its exotic glory. Yes, I want security to do their job. And by that I mean finding guns and bombs, not measuring bottles of shampoo or mandating that I take off my shoes (I do like it that girls have to remove any jackets and cover-ups, though.) Keep the line moving and cut the chit chat. Have somebody managing the flow of people as well.

We also need multiple lines, one for novice flyers and one for veteran travelers who have demonstrated an ability to never create bottlenecks. Some sort of speed pass. Supposedly, this has been in the works for years, but then why aren’t they out there with applications when the O’Hare line is out the door? Talk about a captivated audience! Would I pay $5 each time I speed through security? Of course I would. Yes, so would the terrorists, but they hopefully are working on something much more elaborate than additional hijackings and explosive Keds.

4. Minimize time on planes. Yes, I know they are doing that now with the boarding algorithms that determine which group you are in (some reason always Group 5). But I don’t want to be stuck on a plane for an extra minute, as I consider planes to be gross prisons. The speed at which they turn around the planes at the airport insures that they are never cleaned. It repulses me how many germs are on a plane, swirling around in that awful dry air, but now attempt to fathom how many residual germs there are. Disgusting. So if you are not going to sanitize the planes, don’t make me sit on them for one extra minute. “We just got word from the flight deck that we are 33rd in line for take off,” will be a phrase that will be outlawed under my new regime. A total of 15 minutes max on take off and five minutes on landing. And why is there an aircraft at our arrival gate? Did we surprise you?

5. Crying kids that I want to strangle. While I don’t have any particular dislike of children, all of that changes when they are seated near me on flights. I am generally pissed just to be sitting on a plane, squeezed into a tiny seat covered with 18 strains of the superflu, without even a smile or hint of cleavage from the flight attendant. But then combine that with a bratty little kid screaming and kicking my chair? And the ambivalent parents who obviously have never watched one of those nanny reality shows? They should have a new cabin on certain routes just for families. Put ’em all back there, give them some toys and let them play with each other. Keep them away from me. And the incompetent parents, too.

6. Eliminate food. So let me get this right, we went from horrible free food to awful food that you have to pay for? We have given it a shot, and obviously the model isn’t working. Dole out some pretzels or peanuts and do away with the rest. I am sure you can get some huge food company to donate a month’s worth of samples to launch their new whole grain mustard pretzels or cheese-flavored nuts. The stewardesses don’t want to deal with food, and neither do I. In fact, I think they should ban all non-snack food from airplanes. It is personally revolting to me when I see somebody eating a Big Mac on their tray table, making the whole plane reek of fried grease. I know this is a bit draconian, but for domestic flights, I will only endorse snacks. Anything that requires cutlery or two hands is strictly forbidden. If you have a problem, fly first class, take the bus or eat your char dog with ketchup on Mannheim Road.

7. Ban reclining seats. It is not more comfortable to recline, and all you are doing is screwing the guy behind you. There is nothing more jarring than having a seat back smack you in the face. Never again.

8. Cab lines. Get with the program. Let me see if I have this right: Customers want cabs, and cabbies want airport customers. In fact, cab drivers cue up for hours to get these coveted airport fares. Now if there are plenty of customers and tons of cabs, why the hell do you have to wait for over half an hour? That guy at the dispatch stand better use that radio of his and call more cabs, or I am going to shove it up his ass. Five minutes for a cab — that’s it.

9. Overhead space that comes with your seat. There is no free-for-all for seats on most airlines, so why can’t you have the corresponding overhead space? This is the airlines’ fault for so badly bungling the checked-baggage process. So now is the time to accommodate the carry-on madness that you single-handedly created.

10. People in the back of the plane who stand up the moment you reach the gate and the pilot turns off the seat belt sign. Where do you think you’re going, buddy? And thanks for announcing to the whole plane on your cell phone that you have landed and that you will call when you get outside.

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